RELATIONSHIPS

Mp delivers the tough love.

By MP Dunleavey, from Lifetimetv.com

Q. People are always asking why I'm still single. Many of them, including my guy friends, tell me that I'm attractive and have a great personality. To tell you the truth, I really don't know why I'm still single either. I've tried the dating scene and never been able to land a first, never mind a second date. Plus, I always seem to attract guys who are either immature or just plain sleazy. Got any tips?
A. Assuming that you've been flying without a co-pilot for quite some time and you're sick of it -- and that you've really explored all the dating avenues out there, from Yahoo personals to ice cream socials -- my advice is: Get some feedback. You need to find out what's going on and what you're doing wrong (if anything.) You need to find out from someone you trust.
I actually know a couple of people who did this. One guy asked some of the women he'd dated for the reasons they blew him off. (Eek, right?) A woman I knew asked the confidential opinion of her oldest friend. It takes nerves of steel, but you can learn a lot about yourself and your dating life (or lack thereof) if you're brave enough to ask.
I know what you're thinking: Why in the world should you open yourself up to someone else's colossal misjudgment of your problems? What if all you get is an earful of criticism, a crushed ego and still no dates? This is a risk. But just as a self-respecting CEO would call in a consultant when business was tanking, it's vital to confront your issues head on so you can turn the situation around. It's not about how attractive you are or how mesmerizing your personality is. I'm sure you're fabulous. But lots of fabulous people don't get dates because they are doing something weird that puts off potential partners. They might:
A) Be too aggressiveB) Be too cold or unfriendlyC) Talk on and on (and on) about themselvesD) Act too shy or reservedE) Smell.
I'm not saying you've got bad manners or b.o., but other people can often spot quirks of behavior that you might not have realized were a problem. Again, pick someone you really trust. I've relied heavily on the feedback of my good guy pals in the past because they can also get a pretty accurate read on what the opposite sex is thinking.
Friends can also help you fine-tune your romantic antenna. Go somewhere with a close friend (movie, museum, party) and have HER choose guys for you to chat up. Then pry into her reasoning. What desirable element is she picking up on that, perhaps, you're not?
For example, you mention that you often attract guys who are sleazy or immature. Why is that? Do you give the losers more of a chance because you're afraid someone decent won't give you the time of day? That might indicate that you have trouble seeing yourself as worthy of a grown-up relationship, which might be something you could work on.
Or could it be that you're not picking up on the signals of great guys who really dig you? (After all, if immature guys have any advantage, it's that they're often slobberingly obvious.)
Just don't get caught up in the old "There Must Be Something Wrong With Me" dirge. We women sing that one far too often. If there is something amiss on your end, you're more than capable of fixing it. And by seeking the counsel of those you trust, you should learn a lot about your strengths as well.

posted by M.R.Alice @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

Moodiness ruins my relationship

Q: I'm dating a great guy, but lately I've been very moody. Nothing causes it -- I just get that way sometimes. My boyfriend is really frustrated by it. He feels that he has to constantly ask me "What's wrong?" and "Are you OK?" I know if this continues I'll push him away, even though that's the last thing I want!
A: If this isn't a classic male-female problem, I don't know what is.
It's fine that you're a moody mess sometimes. I am the moodiest person in 43 states. And my moods change like lightning. One minute I feel capable of changing the world; the next, I plunge into existential despair.
This has driven several boyfriends up the wall and out the window. They thought they had to turn into Super Mood Buster Guy, fix my moods and make me happy! Ha!

posted by M.R.Alice @ 10:27 PM 0 comments

Yes, you will get over that breakup

An expert's opinion
By MP Dunleavey for Lifetimetv.com

You won't feel like this forever. Our dating expert, MP Dunleavey, elucidates the stages of breakup hell, explains why you should wallow in it, and predicts when you'll start feeling human, even sexy, again.
The problem with the word breakup is that it's too damn short. The word has the staccato sound of a door slamming -- sharp, crisp, final -- yet a real-life breakup is anything but. It's messy, protracted, emotional.
Breakup should really be one of those long, compound German words, like "I'm going through an oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-it's-over-and- I'm-so-relieved-and-so-depressed-and-when-is-this-going-to-end situation," because not only is that what a breakup feels like, that's what a breakup is like. Except that most of us don't give these separations the respect they deserve.
After my own breakup last fall, I had insomnia for the first time in my life. What hell. I was a grief-stricken mess and I couldn't even escape the pain through sleep. I went to my doctor and asked if he would prescribe pills. He asked why, and I gave him the details. I felt a little embarrassed; I thought he might roll his eyes and say, "Silly woman, it's just a breakup." Instead, to my surprise, he scribbled some notes in my chart and then said, in all medical seriousness: "Breakups are traumas. It's going to take you at least six months, possibly a year, to recover. You won't feel like yourself for quite some time -- but that's OK. Just accept that this will take a while and you'll be fine."
If I hadn't been so depressed, I would have jumped up and down with joy. I'd experienced a trauma! I was suffering something worthy of a chart notation! Finally, someone had put words to the terrible, discordant music of my life and I didn't feel so overwhelmed. I had permission from a bona fide M.D. to take the necessary time to recover.
That's the key, actually. Time, which can seem like the enemy when you're first reeling after saying goodbye. It's natural to want to rush through the pain. But if you do, you'll pay the price. As my friend Fran once said, "The more you just let the pain take its course, the quicker it'll be over. The more you resist, the longer it will haunt you."
This "no-way-out-but-through" philosophy might sound like a prescription for long-term blues, but it's not. There's a lot more than sadness and grief ahead. Yes, breakups often feel more like death than we care to admit, and the phases can be very similar to those described in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' groundbreaking book, "On Death and Dying." You're likely to feel some combination of anger, despair, denial, regret, fear of the future, and fury, though not necessarily in that order. You may also fantasize that he'll come crawling back to you, decide that you hate his mother (for creating him), decide you hate yourself (for dating him), and wonder whether anyone will find you attractive ever again.
I didn't know all this until I was over it, so I didn't get the chance to do for myself what I'm about to tell you to do, but I think it just might work. Get some paper, draw a long, long line and make your own breakup timeline, marking off your personal milestones along the way. Give the stages funny names. If you feel relieved, create a section called "Thank God I'm Free." If you're depressed, call that "The Dark Ages," or whatever. The point is to remind yourself that, yes, you are going through a lot, but every day brings progress. I swear. So keep me posted.

posted by M.R.Alice @ 10:20 PM 0 comments

Romantic Revenge Refined

Feeling post-breakup bitterness? Why sanely venting your anger will help you feel better -- and truly move on.By Lynn Harris
Urge to Avenge
After your last -- or worst -- breakup, did you fixate insanely on hatching revenge plots? Dead carp in his car, a vicious virus on his laptop, an e-mail to his mom telling her...everything?!
If so, you're actually not insane -- and you're not alone, according to Alison James, author of the book, I Used To Miss Him ... But My Aim Is Improving: Not Your Ordinary Breakup Survival Guide (Adams Media, 2004). "Either we're all crazy, or we're sane and guys just call us crazy," says James, whose book sets out to prove the latter. When women obsess over elaborate revenge scenarios against an ex, she says, "they feel bad not only because they're going through a breakup, but also because they feel like they're losing their minds." Being told the desire for revenge is normal, she says, is a first step toward feeling normal.
Where does the itch to avenge come from? When should we -- or shouldn't we -- act on it?

posted by M.R.Alice @ 10:15 PM 0 comments