Yes, you will get over that breakup
An expert's opinionBy MP Dunleavey for Lifetimetv.com
You won't feel like this forever. Our dating expert, MP Dunleavey, elucidates the stages of breakup hell, explains why you should wallow in it, and predicts when you'll start feeling human, even sexy, again.
The problem with the word breakup is that it's too damn short. The word has the staccato sound of a door slamming -- sharp, crisp, final -- yet a real-life breakup is anything but. It's messy, protracted, emotional.
Breakup should really be one of those long, compound German words, like "I'm going through an oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-it's-over-and- I'm-so-relieved-and-so-depressed-and-when-is-this-going-to-end situation," because not only is that what a breakup feels like, that's what a breakup is like. Except that most of us don't give these separations the respect they deserve.
After my own breakup last fall, I had insomnia for the first time in my life. What hell. I was a grief-stricken mess and I couldn't even escape the pain through sleep. I went to my doctor and asked if he would prescribe pills. He asked why, and I gave him the details. I felt a little embarrassed; I thought he might roll his eyes and say, "Silly woman, it's just a breakup." Instead, to my surprise, he scribbled some notes in my chart and then said, in all medical seriousness: "Breakups are traumas. It's going to take you at least six months, possibly a year, to recover. You won't feel like yourself for quite some time -- but that's OK. Just accept that this will take a while and you'll be fine."
If I hadn't been so depressed, I would have jumped up and down with joy. I'd experienced a trauma! I was suffering something worthy of a chart notation! Finally, someone had put words to the terrible, discordant music of my life and I didn't feel so overwhelmed. I had permission from a bona fide M.D. to take the necessary time to recover.
That's the key, actually. Time, which can seem like the enemy when you're first reeling after saying goodbye. It's natural to want to rush through the pain. But if you do, you'll pay the price. As my friend Fran once said, "The more you just let the pain take its course, the quicker it'll be over. The more you resist, the longer it will haunt you."
This "no-way-out-but-through" philosophy might sound like a prescription for long-term blues, but it's not. There's a lot more than sadness and grief ahead. Yes, breakups often feel more like death than we care to admit, and the phases can be very similar to those described in Elisabeth Kubler-Ross' groundbreaking book, "On Death and Dying." You're likely to feel some combination of anger, despair, denial, regret, fear of the future, and fury, though not necessarily in that order. You may also fantasize that he'll come crawling back to you, decide that you hate his mother (for creating him), decide you hate yourself (for dating him), and wonder whether anyone will find you attractive ever again.
I didn't know all this until I was over it, so I didn't get the chance to do for myself what I'm about to tell you to do, but I think it just might work. Get some paper, draw a long, long line and make your own breakup timeline, marking off your personal milestones along the way. Give the stages funny names. If you feel relieved, create a section called "Thank God I'm Free." If you're depressed, call that "The Dark Ages," or whatever. The point is to remind yourself that, yes, you are going through a lot, but every day brings progress. I swear. So keep me posted.
posted by M.R.Alice @ 10:20 PM
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